Dirty Jokes..... and maybe few clean ones too.

[stanmarsh14]

Just got back from the World strawberry picking championships. A woman with no legs won... the jammy cunt....

[11:46am] <@Hisao> !quote strawberry
[11:46am] <@sm14|lappy> "I went to the world strawberry picking championships today.... a woman with no legs won....... jammy cunt !!!!! - Troutman - 03/09/2003 " {(mpu34 #287)} {(1 results)}

[stanmarsh14]

What's seen more balls than a cricket bat at Trent Bridge's ground at Nottingham? Elton John's chin

[altharic]

Jonathan Ross has been caught stealing kitchen utensils, he said it was worth the whisk.

[altharic]

Still better than the strawberry joke.

[hit the six]

10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex




A below par performance is considered damn good.
You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.
Foursomes are encouraged.
You can still make money doing it as a senior.
Three times a day is possible.
It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
You don't have to cuddle your partner when you're finished.
If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.




The 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' contestant Major Ingram, was found dead today.

It is not know whether it was suicide or foul play.

T.V. bosses have stated, "They will pay for the funeral, but not for the coffin."
 

[Daryl]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed!

[altharic]

Took my chameleon to the vets today because he stopped changing colour he was diagnosed with.......




Wait for it







Wait for it



Reptile dysfunction

[Daryl]

I went to the bus stop the other day where a heavily pregnant woman was waiting...

"When's it due?" I politely asked her.

"In nine days" she smiled back...

I said "Bollocks to that!" - and started walking!

[Daryl]

got myself a new communications device to record things...

One of my friends asked: "Can I use your Dictaphone?"

I replied: "No, use your fingers like everyone else!" 

[Daryl]

Wrong... on so many levels!

[attach name=21766423_1604742299588650_2795269198682932647_n.jpg type=image/jpeg]2169[/attach]

[altharic]

My mate got shot with a starting pistol police suspect its race related.

[stanmarsh14]

Me and the missus have just adopted a little scouse baby.

I said "Can we call him "Google"?

She replied "Why the fuck should we call him that"?

"Well" I said, "He's going to spend most of his life getting searched"

[stanmarsh14]

A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into a bank just as it's being held up. She gets shot 3 times in the stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will simply come out.

So 15 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story of what happened 15 years ago.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM! the dogs dead"

She asks, "How did that happen?"

The boy replies, "I had a wank and shot him!"

[Daryl]

So wear some thick underwear and don't bend over... 

[attach name=Capture.PNG type=image/png]2184[/attach]

[altharic]

Did you hear about the snake that is exactly 3.14 metres long?

Its a PI thon.