A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie...

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asked the son what he had done that afternoon. The son says: "I did some schoolwork." The robot duly slaps the son... "OK, OK I was at my friend's house watching movies!" The son replies.

"What movie did you watch?" Asked the father.

"Toy Story" the son replies - again the robot duly slaps the son.

"OK, OK!" The son says: 'we were watching some porn!"

The father replies: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" - to which the robot duly slaps the father!

The mother laughs and says: "Well - he certainly is your son!"

The robot then duly slapped the mother!!

Worth a chuckle...  

Tampax has announced that they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing them with tinsel...

This will be for the Christmas period only!

My friend gav died yesterday taking heart burn medicine i can't believe gavisgone.

I caused absolute chaos at the paranoid schizophrenic society's panto today when I shouted from the audience "he's behind you"!

We've got a transvestite joining us for Christmas this year.

He said he can't wait to eat, drink and be Mary.

Yesterday

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I been tripping all day!!

What goes in and out and stinks of piss?



The hokey cokey at the old folks home.

Did you hear about the car shaped computer?

It kept crashing because of a bad driver

Happy Easter

A gay man goes to the doctor with lumps up his arse after an all-night orgy party...
After the doctor has examined him, the gay man asks; "are they deep piles?"

The doctor replied; "No, shag piles!" 

Two old men decide that they are close to their last days on Earth and decide to have a last night out on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The 'madam' takes one look at the two old men and whispers to her manager: "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed... These two are so old and drunk they won't notice the difference - I'm not wasting my girls on them!"

The manager does as he is told and he then takes the two old men to their respective bedrooms and they both take care of their business.

As they are walking home, the first man says: "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says the other old geezer: "Why do you say that?"

"Well she never moved or made a sound all the time we were making love".

His friend replied: "Well, it could be worse... I think mine was a witch!"

"A witch?" replies the other old man: "Why the hell would you think that?"

"Well" replied his old friend: "As I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, I gave her a little bite - then she farted and flew out the window - taking my false teeth with her"!!

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, on her chest and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can't park the fuckin' car!!! You do it, ya bastard!"

Just got back from the World strawberry picking championships. A woman with no legs won... the jammy cunt....