Dirty Jokes..... and maybe few clean ones too.

[Slasher]

Look at the size of this spider in my toilet this afternoon

[stanmarsh14]

I bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs." He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."

[Daryl]

I bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs." He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."

I'm going there for my 50th birthday next week... thanks for that!

[Daryl]

Santa Claus goes to see his GP and says:

"Doctor, I think I have a mince pie stuck up my bum!"

The doctor tells Santa to bend over and takes a look...

"Yes, you certainly do have a mince pie stuck up there..."
" but don't worry - I have some cream for that!!"

The old ones are the best! 

[Geddy]

A man goes to into the local Co-op and notices a beautiful blonde woman who waves at him and says "Hello!".
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says...
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

[Slasher]

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons & asks "How much is your lager?"
Barman says,"£2 for a pint & £7 a Pitcher."
Paddy replied, 
"I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo!"

[stanmarsh14]

I once met a woman who got a tube of super glue confused with KY Jelly..... tried to ask her how it happened, but her lips was sealed!

[Daryl]

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really posh hotel...

When she booked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £150.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £150..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that £150.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has a heated indoor swimming pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from all over Britain performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.

"But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00" 
"That's right" she replied..."I charged you £100.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!  

[Daryl]

Susie Lee-Done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so...
 
Pappy told her, 'Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is half yo' brother'!
 
So Susie put her Joe aside,
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling her pappy this,
He said 'there's trouble still!'
 
'You can't marry Will my gal,
And please don't tell ya' mother.
But Will and Joe... And several Mo'
I know is yo' half brother!'
 
But Mama knew and said 'My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
Yo' ain't no kin to Pappy!'... 

[Geddy]

Just got back from the World Strawberry Picking Championships, a woman with no legs won.... jammy cunt...

[Daryl]

an old lady offered the bus driver some peanuts, which he gladly accepted.

Every few minutes she kept popping some more peanuts to the bus driver.

Eventually, the bus driver asked: "Why do you keep buying peanuts if you aren't going to eat them? Why don't you eat them yourself?

"Oh I couldn't possibly" replied the old lady, "I have no teeth to chew them, see" and bares her bare gums at him.

"So why do you keep buying them?" asked the bus driver.

She replied: "Because I like sucking all the chocolate off them first!" 

[stanmarsh14]

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.

She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine Scented deodorizer.

Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

'What does it smell like" she asked?

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree".

[stanmarsh14]

What's the difference between PMT and BSE ?

One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, and the other is some kind of agricultural problem

[stanmarsh14]

Here's to the cut that never heals,
The longer you stroke it the softer it feels
You can wash it in soap
You can wash it in soda
But you'll never remove that Billingsgate odour

[stanmarsh14]

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
A penny a smell
Was all very well
But tuppence a lick was a failure.