Dirty Jokes..... and maybe few clean ones too.

[stanmarsh14]

At about 3 am, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
 

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
 

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

[stanmarsh14]

I hear Elton John and George Michael are getting together to do a duet. It's a song from the Wizard of Oz.

It's called "Swallow the Fella's Thick Load".

[Geddy]

Those deserve a 

[stanmarsh14]

Those deserve a 

Strawberry

[Daryl]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]When I was at the seaside last year I nearly got a lovely photo shot of a group of Japanese tourists lined up...[/font]


[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]...when all of a sudden they started screaming, shouting and running off in all directions from the prom![/font]


[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]All I shouted to them was: "WAVE"![/font]

[Daryl]

Christ was sat with His Disciples at The Last Supper...

...and as Peter passed him the bread, He said: "This bread is My body".

Matthew then passed Him the wine: "This wine is My blood" he continued. 

At that moment another Disciple passed him a jar of mayonnaise...

...He replied: "I think that's quite enough of that Judas"!!

[Daryl]

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said,

"Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

[Daryl]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]The new Apple Watch has been released...[/font]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]...I wonder what 'core' processor it has![/font]

[Slasher]

Brilliant! Probably more functional than their one too.

[Daryl]

The teacher goes around the class, asking whether they had revised a sentence for their homework with the word 'contagious' in it...

...she asks each in turn until it gets to little Franky's turn.

"So, Franky, have you thought about a sentence to tell us all with the word contagious in it?" she asks.

Quick as a flash, Franky replies: "My next door neighbour started painting the rear garden fence yesterday and my dad says that "it'll take the 'contagious'"!! 

[DAD]

Had to think about that one for a while Daryl lol

[Daryl]

NSFW:

Made me smile... a lot!  

[Daryl]

[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif][font='comic sans ms', cursive]Parking Officer's Funeral[/font][/font]

[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif]As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking officer's funeral, a voice coming from inside the coffin screams:[/font]

[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif]"I'm not dead, I'm not dead - for God's sake let me out!"[/font]

[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif]The vicar, very old and reverend in his demeanour as well as his name, smiles, leans forward over the coffin that has just been lowered into the earth and sucking air through his teeth he mutters:[/font]

[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif]"To fucking late my son... I've already done the paperwork!!" [/font]

[ricardo de ponsa]

I Pad - Mini

[stanmarsh14]

Nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my cock', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.