At about 3 am, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
I hear Elton John and George Michael are getting together to do a duet. It's a song from the Wizard of Oz.
It's called "Swallow the Fella's Thick Load".
Those deserve a :ban
[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]When I was at the seaside last year I nearly got a lovely photo shot of a group of Japanese tourists lined up...[/font]
[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]...when all of a sudden they started screaming, shouting and running off in all directions from the prom![/font]
[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]All I shouted to them was: "WAVE"![/font]
Christ was sat with His Disciples at The Last Supper...
...and as Peter passed him the bread, He said: "This bread is My body".
Matthew then passed Him the wine: "This wine is My blood" he continued.
At that moment another Disciple passed him a jar of mayonnaise...
...He replied: "I think that's quite enough of that Judas"!! :P
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said,
"Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
;) ;) ;)
[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]The new Apple Watch has been released...[/font]
[font=Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]...I wonder what 'core' processor it has![/font]
Brilliant! Probably more functional than their one too.
The teacher goes around the class, asking whether they had revised a sentence for their homework with the word 'contagious' in it...
...she asks each in turn until it gets to little Franky's turn.
"So, Franky, have you thought about a sentence to tell us all with the word contagious in it?" she asks.
Quick as a flash, Franky replies: "My next door neighbour started painting the rear garden fence yesterday and my dad says that "it'll take the 'contagious'"!! :o :o
Had to think about that one for a while Daryl lol
NSFW:
Made me smile... a lot! ;)
[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif][font='comic sans ms', cursive]Parking Officer's Funeral[/font][/font]
[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif]As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking officer's funeral, a voice coming from inside the coffin screams:[/font]
[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif]"I'm not dead, I'm not dead - for God's sake let me out!"[/font]
[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif]The vicar, very old and reverend in his demeanour as well as his name, smiles, leans forward over the coffin that has just been lowered into the earth and sucking air through his teeth he mutters:[/font]
[font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif]"To fucking late my son... I've already done the paperwork!!" :P :P[/font]
I Pad - Mini
Nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my cock', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Just got back from the World Strawberry Picking Championship and a woman with no legs won.... jammy cunt!
Quote from: Geddy on Jun 01, 2015, 09:36 AMJust got back from the World Strawberry Picking Championship and a woman with no legs won.... jammy cunt!
Memories..... ;)
I never take the female members of my family serious anymore when they say "I'm on one" because of this joke...
...I tell them to go and 'pick strawberries' now! :P
I asked a sexy Chinese gal for her phone number the other night...
She replied: "Sex, Sex, Sex, Free Sex Tonight"
Realising all my dreams had come true at once, her friend immediately dashed my hopes when she butted in and said:
"She means 6663629"!!
Pfft! ;D
Eskimo on holiday in Wales and his car breaks down.
Taff looks under bonnet "Looks like you've blown a seal"
Eskimos reply "So what, you shag sheep."
Let's share a moment of silence for all those lost children swallowed during a blow-job.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers... she raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other... she looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are – my – test – results – back"!!..
Are you taking the piss out of us hard hearing folk?
Quote from: Slasher on Jul 29, 2015, 04:06 PMAre you taking the piss out of us hard hearing folk?
He won't reply - he'll have forgotten he posted it :D
:-* love ya Daryl
That's not very nice. I met him yesterday and he's sound as a pound, I will not have you say that about my new buddy!!
:D
Quote from: Slasher on Jul 29, 2015, 04:06 PMAre you taking the piss out of us hard hearing folk?
I wondered why you looked at me funny when I asked you about your test results duck and how you got on that day... I know why now! :P
I thought it was the way you walked! :P :P
...and BJ - you know me too well ( and love ya too - always will, no matter what! :) )
I'm going to call into work tomorrow and say, "Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your mum?" ... "I'm not coming into work this morning!"
Archaeologists have found a new tomb with a mummy wrapped up in it with chocolates and hazelnuts placed on top of the body...
They believe it to be "Pharaoh Rocher"... :o :o :o
What's the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
A Cardiologist was given a great send off at his funeral.
Service ended, with him taking his final trip in his casket, through a heart shape made of red roses, and the heart closing at the end, sealing the Doctor in the wonderful heart forever.
At this conclusion, one of the mourners started to giggle, to which gained a number of stern looks from fellow mourners.
The giggling mourner stated his reasons for giggling..... "Sorry folks, it just made me think of how my funeral would would be like, as I am a Gynaecologist"
The Proctologist sat next to him fainted
:D
Look at the size of this spider in my toilet this afternoon
I bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs." He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."
Quote from: stanmarsh14 on Oct 06, 2015, 05:52 PMI bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs." He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."
I'm going there for my 50th birthday next week... thanks for that! :P
Santa Claus goes to see his GP and says:
"Doctor, I think I have a mince pie stuck up my bum!"
The doctor tells Santa to bend over and takes a look...
"Yes, you certainly do have a mince pie stuck up there..."
" but don't worry - I have some cream for that!!"
The old ones are the best! ;)
A man goes to into the local Co-op and notices a beautiful blonde woman who waves at him and says "Hello!".
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says...
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."
Paddy goes into Wetherspoons & asks "How much is your lager?"
Barman says,"£2 for a pint & £7 a Pitcher."
Paddy replied,
"I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo!"
I once met a woman who got a tube of super glue confused with KY Jelly..... tried to ask her how it happened, but her lips was sealed!
An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really posh hotel...
When she booked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £150.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £150..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that £150.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has a heated indoor swimming pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over Britain performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.
"But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00"
"That's right" she replied..."I charged you £100.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!! ;) :o
Susie Lee-Done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so...
Pappy told her, 'Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is half yo' brother'!
So Susie put her Joe aside,
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling her pappy this,
He said 'there's trouble still!'
'You can't marry Will my gal,
And please don't tell ya' mother.
But Will and Joe... And several Mo'
I know is yo' half brother!'
But Mama knew and said 'My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
Yo' ain't no kin to Pappy!'... :o
Just got back from the World Strawberry Picking Championships, a woman with no legs won.... jammy cunt...
an old lady offered the bus driver some peanuts, which he gladly accepted.
Every few minutes she kept popping some more peanuts to the bus driver.
Eventually, the bus driver asked: "Why do you keep buying peanuts if you aren't going to eat them? Why don't you eat them yourself?
"Oh I couldn't possibly" replied the old lady, "I have no teeth to chew them, see" and bares her bare gums at him.
"So why do you keep buying them?" asked the bus driver.
She replied: "Because I like sucking all the chocolate off them first!" :o
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.
She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine Scented deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
'What does it smell like" she asked?
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree".
What's the difference between PMT and BSE ?
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, and the other is some kind of agricultural problem
Here's to the cut that never heals,
The longer you stroke it the softer it feels
You can wash it in soap
You can wash it in soda
But you'll never remove that Billingsgate odour
There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
A penny a smell
Was all very well
But tuppence a lick was a failure.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie...
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asked the son what he had done that afternoon. The son says: "I did some schoolwork." The robot duly slaps the son... "OK, OK I was at my friend's house watching movies!" The son replies.
"What movie did you watch?" Asked the father.
"Toy Story" the son replies - again the robot duly slaps the son.
"OK, OK!" The son says: 'we were watching some porn!"
The father replies: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" - to which the robot duly slaps the father!
The mother laughs and says: "Well - he certainly is your son!"
The robot then duly slapped the mother!! :P
Worth a chuckle... :)
Tampax has announced that they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing them with tinsel...
This will be for the Christmas period only! :P
My friend gav died yesterday taking heart burn medicine i can't believe gavisgone.
I caused absolute chaos at the paranoid schizophrenic society's panto today when I shouted from the audience "he's behind you"!
We've got a transvestite joining us for Christmas this year.
He said he can't wait to eat, drink and be Mary.
Yesterday
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I been tripping all day!!
What goes in and out and stinks of piss?
The hokey cokey at the old folks home.
Did you hear about the car shaped computer?
It kept crashing because of a bad driver
Happy Easter :D
A gay man goes to the doctor with lumps up his arse after an all-night orgy party...
After the doctor has examined him, the gay man asks; "are they deep piles?"
The doctor replied; "No, shag piles!" :P :P
Two old men decide that they are close to their last days on Earth and decide to have a last night out on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The 'madam' takes one look at the two old men and whispers to her manager: "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed... These two are so old and drunk they won't notice the difference - I'm not wasting my girls on them!"
The manager does as he is told and he then takes the two old men to their respective bedrooms and they both take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says: "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says the other old geezer: "Why do you say that?"
"Well she never moved or made a sound all the time we were making love".
His friend replied: "Well, it could be worse... I think mine was a witch!"
"A witch?" replies the other old man: "Why the hell would you think that?"
"Well" replied his old friend: "As I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, I gave her a little bite - then she farted and flew out the window - taking my false teeth with her"!!
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, on her chest and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can't park the fuckin' car!!! You do it, ya bastard!"
Just got back from the World strawberry picking championships. A woman with no legs won... the jammy cunt....
:)
Quote from: Geddy on Jun 01, 2017, 10:28 AMJust got back from the World strawberry picking championships. A woman with no legs won... the jammy cunt....
:)
[11:46am] <@Hisao> !quote strawberry
[11:46am] <@sm14|lappy> "I went to the world strawberry picking championships today.... a woman with no legs won....... jammy cunt !!!!! - Troutman - 03/09/2003 " {(mpu34 #287)} {(1 results)}
What's seen more balls than a cricket bat at Trent Bridge's ground at Nottingham? Elton John's chin
Jonathan Ross has been caught stealing kitchen utensils, he said it was worth the whisk.
Still better than the strawberry joke.
10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex
A below par performance is considered damn good.
You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.
Foursomes are encouraged.
You can still make money doing it as a senior.
Three times a day is possible.
It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
You don't have to cuddle your partner when you're finished.
If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
The 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' contestant Major Ingram, was found dead today.
It is not know whether it was suicide or foul play.
T.V. bosses have stated, "They will pay for the funeral, but not for the coffin."
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed!
Took my chameleon to the vets today because he stopped changing colour he was diagnosed with.......
Wait for it
Wait for it
Reptile dysfunction
I went to the bus stop the other day where a heavily pregnant woman was waiting...
"When's it due?" I politely asked her.
"In nine days" she smiled back...
I said "Bollocks to that!" - and started walking!
got myself a new communications device to record things...
One of my friends asked: "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
I replied: "No, use your fingers like everyone else!" :o
Wrong... on so many levels!
[attach name=21766423_1604742299588650_2795269198682932647_n.jpg type=image/jpeg]2169[/attach]
My mate got shot with a starting pistol police suspect its race related.
Me and the missus have just adopted a little scouse baby.
I said "Can we call him "Google"?
She replied "Why the fuck should we call him that"?
"Well" I said, "He's going to spend most of his life getting searched"
A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into a bank just as it's being held up. She gets shot 3 times in the stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will simply come out.
So 15 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story of what happened 15 years ago.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM! the dogs dead"
She asks, "How did that happen?"
The boy replies, "I had a wank and shot him!"
So wear some thick underwear and don't bend over... :o
[attach name=Capture.PNG type=image/png]2184[/attach]
Did you hear about the snake that is exactly 3.14 metres long?
Its a PI thon.
If you close your eyes whilst rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference...
It also gets you banned from Tescos!
After 70 years of marriage, celebrating with The Queen and Prince Philip, one old man was asked in an interview why he always used terms of endearment such as 'darling', 'sweetheart' and 'love' to his wife after all that time...
"Because I forgotten her name about 10 years ago and haven't dared ask her for it since!" came his classic reply. - Like This (http://www.fruit-emu.com/forums/index.php?app=core&module=global§ion=reputation&do=add_rating&app_rate=forums&type=pid&type_id=313683&rating=1&secure_key=243b3df910534dde049a0d9ce9786ef6&post_return=313683)
boy george was up before the court this morning after his pet reptile kept attacking passers by,the judge told him he needed a calmer chameleon :D
Ooh I say...
Know what I mean Harry?! :o
[attach name=31131257_675585812790729_1024303889974820864_n.jpg type=image/jpeg]2897[/attach]
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Licalotapus..
As it's 1st June (Blame Geddy for this)....
[11:46am] <@Hisao> !quote strawberry
[11:46am] <@sm14|lappy> "I went to the world strawberry picking championships today.... a woman with no legs won....... jammy cunt !!!!! - Troutman - 03/09/2003 " {(mpu34 #287)} {(1 results)}
A Scottish woman walks into her bedroom and catches her husband wanking into a wellie...
"Och aye Jock" she yells - "you dirty barsted... stop fooking aboot"!! :o
[attach name=73D57E00-F53A-4850-BC86-42ABFAFD558F.jpeg type=image/jpeg]2965[/attach]
Made me smile... :)
Well, we mustn't be too morbid in life, must we?! :o
Guilty! :o
Archaeologists have found a new tomb in Egypt, with a mummy wrapped up in it with chocolates and hazelnuts placed on top of the body...
They believe it to be the long-lost "Pharaoh Rocher"...
My family were having an argument about which was the better film Tangled or Frozen it got quite heated so I told them to let it go.....
No you fuck off.
Made me smile...
I mistakenly took some Viagra thinking they were sleeping pills. Instead of having 40 winks, I had 40 wanks. :o
Guy walks in to chip shop and walks up to the counter, and says "Give me a bag of fucking chips mate!" The shop owner behind the counter is non too impressed with him, and says "Excuse me! You don't come in here talking like that. You come and stand behind the counter and let me show you how to ask for chips properly".
So they swop places. The owner walks up to the counter and says "Give me bag of chips PLEASE". The man behind the counter says "FUCKOFF you wouldnt serve me!"
We've all been there... ;)
[attach name=51492999_10157196365206802_6992273059298148352_n.jpg type=image/jpeg]3231[/attach]
I was speaking to a gay mate the other day and asked if he put up with any shit from his friends...
"Often" he said, "especially if they hadn't been to the toilet first!" :o
Two gay men were sunbathing on the beach and one asks..."shall I put the brolly up?" and the other one replies..."yeah but for Christ's sake don't open it!" :o
Just been to the supermarket, met a woman who washes her fanny with floor cleaner.... flash cunt
(better than strawberries...) :) :) :)
Quote from: Geddy on Jul 26, 2019, 07:18 PMJust been to the supermarket, met a woman who washes her fanny with floor cleaner.... flash cunt
(better than strawberries...) :) :) :)
Nah!, but not bad ;)
Ooh I say... ;)
[attach name=post-42447-0-75309900-1582371302.png type=image/png]4182[/attach]
A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."
"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.
"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."
Quote from: hit the six on Feb 22, 2020, 11:53 PMA doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."
"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.
"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."
How appropriate for the timing on this one lol
i got one. whats the best thing about being a gardener? you get down with your hoes XD
What's the best thing about twenty three year old girls?
There's twenty of them.
i tried a donkey burger
dont like it. it tastes and smells like ASS!
I didn't go to the World Strawberry Picking Championship this year due to Covid 19 but apparently a woman with no legs won...jammy cunt...
2 flies sitting on a pile of shit.
One fly farts.
The other fly says " do you fucking mind!.. i'm eating"!
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!" "Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?" "She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action
in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."
Well this thread shows on my DadsFME homepage so what the hell...
You've probably heard this before anyways...
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
You wouldn't let a lentil on your face!!
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
A funeral undertaker tried chatting me up the other day...
I wasn't impressed - he only wanted me for my body!
Just got back from the World strawberry picking championships. A woman with no legs won... the jammy cunt.... ;)
Pleased to say the results are in, I'm just back from the World Strawberry Picking Championship and a woman with no legs won, the jammy cunt...
YAY!
The best IRC joke ever lol
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning......
Quote from: Razors_back on May 31, 2022, 06:34 PMWhy did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning......
Haha! welcome back mate, good to see you :)
Quote from: DAD on May 31, 2022, 06:37 PMQuote from: Razors_back on May 31, 2022, 06:34 PMWhy did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning......
Haha! welcome back mate, good to see you :)
thanks DAD, it's been way to long. Spending ages gathering resources and old layouts to rekindle my retirement years...its either that, or pull the pin see what comes after... ;) Just need to source a ver of 5.1 as my old wips wont load into the newer emulators.
It's under legacy releases at DIF
https://www.desertislandfruits.com/forum/index.php?/files/category/71-legacy-releases/
Quote from: altharic on May 31, 2022, 10:30 PMIt's under legacy releases at DIF
https://www.desertislandfruits.com/forum/index.php?/files/category/71-legacy-releases/
Yeah seen it, clicked it...got denied...went to donate...got denied due to transition i guess...
Its no biggie just means redoing a lot of stuff from scratch.....onwards and upwards
Gary Glitter was once asked, "What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds"?
His reply "There are twenty of them."
Quote from: Razors_back on May 31, 2022, 11:17 PMQuote from: altharic on May 31, 2022, 10:30 PMIt's under legacy releases at DIF
https://www.desertislandfruits.com/forum/index.php?/files/category/71-legacy-releases/
Yeah seen it, clicked it...got denied...went to donate...got denied due to transition i guess...
Its no biggie just means redoing a lot of stuff from scratch.....onwards and upwards
If you are still having issues, drop me a PM, I maybe able to help :)
Quote from: stanmarsh14 on Jun 01, 2022, 11:20 PMQuote from: Razors_back on May 31, 2022, 11:17 PMQuote from: altharic on May 31, 2022, 10:30 PMIt's under legacy releases at DIF
https://www.desertislandfruits.com/forum/index.php?/files/category/71-legacy-releases/
Yeah seen it, clicked it...got denied...went to donate...got denied due to transition i guess...
Its no biggie just means redoing a lot of stuff from scratch.....onwards and upwards
If you are still having issues, drop me a PM, I maybe able to help :)
Thanks Stan its all sorted now...30 gig of layouts,roms and flyers downloaded...Just got to find Pooks old tutorial in my email from way back when..... ;)