THE JACKPOT IS NOT ENOUGH - "More evil than Nazi fascism"

NOTE - This is not a "new" review, it was originally put on the main page of the site (and can still be found in the news archive) as the write-up for the release. Several new layouts were released on that day (26th Feb 2002), hence the references to several other machines. However, the bulk of the text refers to The Jackpot Is Not Enough, and I quite like this one so figured it deserved to be archived out as an independent review.

Ever wondered what drives crack addicts to the pipe? Ever wondered what fuels the murderous drive of serial killers? Ever wondered what it is that makes Super Streak seem like a wonderful wet dream with Atomic Kitten, the girls out of Steps and a bottle of baby oil? Well wonder no more because, available on an emulator near you now is THE WORST FRUIT MACHINE EVER, The Jackpot Is Not Enough. Lo-techs don't have much to get right, but equally, they don't have much to get wrong. So quite how TJINE manages to fuck it all up so spectacularly is utterly beyond me.

We have two new lo-tech releases today, ostensibly they're very similar, but in reality they're as far apart as possibly can be. Many lo-techs' gameplay revolves around a streak feature, it's usually triggered by getting three of a certain symbol in view, or on the win line. TJINE and Lucky Las Vegas both have a main streak feature, which is augmented by the usual selection of reel wins. They all feature holds and nudges, three holds (I assume, TJINE didn't give a single one during the £250 that I put through it), holds after a win and flasholds.

So why is Lucky Las Vegas jolly good fun, whilst TJINE is marginally less entertaining than ripping off your penis and feeding it to the dog? It's simple really, LLV gives the streak feature regularly, it can go for as little as £3, it can go for £30 and more. The streak feature is fun, takes the form of four varied sub-games, and can go on for a while. It gives lots of three holds and flasholds, it has great sound and music, it plays fast and fair.

TJINE, on the other hand, is a fat pig's abortion blended with the devil's ejaculate served up in a dirty glass. From a factory reset, set to 90%, it took an investment of £250 to get a £15 jackpot. In all that time it gave two flasholds (for £2 cherries and £4 melons). It didn't give a single third hold win (in fact, it hardly ever even holds twice). It let me nudge in a win three times (and never for more than £3). Whenever it wants to give you a win it simply drops it straight in, when the jackpot finally came (after £250) it just dropped in. There isn't even a jackpot tune. The streak feature is terrible, any three TJINE symbols in view starts stepping the reels and each jackpot symbol that passes the win line adds a quid to the bank. It gave this twice in £250, and dropped it straight in on both occasions, first time it went for £15, the second time for £18 (maybe lower values and higher frequency would be a good idea guys?). If you get three TJINE symbols in view including the middle "super" symbol an equally tedious but larger streak is awarded, the reels step as they did before, but each jackpot symbol now adds a fiver to the bank. I got this once (it dropped in of course) and it went for £30, it was over in around fifteen seconds. I was so excited I nearly farted.

I only played for as long as I did to hear the jackpot tune, but as we now know, it doesn't have one. The nudge tune is a god awful James Bond rip off. There is no other music. By the time I'd finished playing I was slumped in my seat, groaning without even realising I was doing it and desperately wishing that an extremist fanatical Muslim terrorist cell would kidnap and kill me, anything to end the agony. I've never seen TJINE in an arcade and it's no wonder, I mean, did anyone actually PLAY it before it was released? Did no one at Empire say "Hang on a minute guys, you can't possibly put this out, it's about as much fun as A.I.D.S. except you don't even get to have sex before the suffering begins"? Is this what we went to war for? Did our grandparents put their lives on the line so that sixty years later a greater evil than Nazi fascism could be unleashed on the British people by the back door?

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

And what is the point of machines that have an "auto-play" button? Lo-techs make little enough pretence of being an actual game as it is, but auto-play is simply taking the piss. Insert money, press auto-play, lose money, leave arcade. Why not just walk into the arcade, hand over your cash to the attendant and use the time saved for something useful, like trying to get the lobotomy reversed? Grrrrrrr.

In fact, so horrific was the whole TJINE encounter that playing the doddery old MPU3 cronk Exchanges Unlimited came as blessed relief. As MPU3/4 now supports MPU3 sound the overall experience is about as rich as it's going to get, which, surprisingly, is quite rich. I found myself far more entertained than I had expected to be, and there's a lovely old world quaintness about it. It's certainly about a trillion times more playable than TJINE, and the sound is better too.

Smash 'N Grab is an early (the first?) MPU4 machine. The classic layout is rather garish and scatterbrained, but it doesn't detract from the knockabout gameplay. The simple "smash or grab" nudge pot based game structure works well, and the early MPU4 bleeps and bloops are curiously tuneful. Then again, I was still just glad to be playing anything other than TJINE, in fact, after thirty minutes with it I was beginning to think that Terry Waite had gotten off somewhat lightly with being chained to a radiator in a darkened room for five years. At least he didn't have electricity, so even if there was TJINE in the cell with him, it wouldn't have worked.

So then, a very busy day for the scene, and a sure sign of great times ahead. TJINE may be the fruit machine world's answer to famine, pestilence and nuclear armageddon in gaming terms, but the layout is every bit as good as we've come to expect from Gary, and it really is great to see him releasing again. Pandy's Exchanges Unlimited is a fine DX, and there's more on the way from Fruitworkz in the weeks to come. Harvey's Lucky Las Vegas classic is something of a stopgap until the DX is released, but as with Gary, simply seeing those Digital Fruit releases coming out again is what really matters (and the DX looks like it's going to be an absolute stonker too).

Anyway, enough of that, download and enjoy, but don't say you weren't warned about TJINE.....

26th February 2002.