Idiots Anonymous - The curious world of the moderator
Rant & Rave Part Five

NOTE - This exercise should not take longer than twenty minutes to complete, however, all candidates are expected to familiarise themselves with the following reading materials before proceeding. 

If you discovered a terrible flaw in your character, something which, every time it managed to bubble to the surface made you appear to others as a rather pathetic, hyper-sensitive, paranoid, imbecilic control freak, you'd try and keep it under wraps, wouldn't you?

And it must surely go without saying that the one thing you absolutely would not do is proudly declare to the world, "Hey, look at me, look at what it is about me that makes me such an idiot! In fact, I'm so determined to demonstrate this to you all that I'm going to give myself a crown, that's how much of a wanker I am!".  acknowledgment 

I mean, that would be really stupid, wouldn't it? So why on earth do people actually volunteer to be a moderator? (Let alone proudly add a crown to the mix). Donning my rather fetching reporters hat, I decided to set off in search of answers (not that I'm actually going to go anywhere or do anything of course, I'll just be sat on my arse mouthing off. As usual).

Let's start at the end, partly because it makes sense, but mostly because it sounds like a clever sort of thing to do.

I have been placed in the "moderation queue" on Fruit Forums. Being in the moderation queue means that you can still browse the forums in the normal manner, and you can still post replies as you see fit (although you can't visit the Fruit Forums Store (what a bitter loss that is) and The Shoutbox is off limits too (so you can't even browse back through previous shouts)).

However, where a "standard" member's post immediately appears on the forums, a post made by someone in the moderation queue sits in that queue until one of the moderators decides to approve or reject the post in question, so you'll just have to hope that something they like is on the telly when your turn comes up. If your post is approved (whenever that might be, don't go expecting too much in the way of spontaneity) it appears on the forums, if it's rejected then I assume you get an e-mail saying "Moderator X is on a power trip and has had a bit of an unfulfilling day, rejecting your post makes them feel good, sorry". (I don't know exactly what happens, since I was placed in the moderation queue I have chosen not to post at Fruit Forums, therefore that'll have to do as an educated guess).

So then, being in the moderation queue seems to be a fairly harsh punishment (it's one step below an outright ban), what might one have to do to get themselves placed in this realm of the damned?

Well in my case, it seems to be committing the cardinal sin of questioning the motivations of moderators and the validity of the system. It's my own fault really, taking into account the types of people who would want to be moderators in the first place, it stands to reason that the one thing they're going to take serious offence at is someone having the temerity to stand up and say, "I wonder why it is you're a moderator?......".

For the full story read through the "Crowns" thread (thoughtfully numbered 1 through 4 for your convenience) contained in the .mht zip file. As you'll see, my tongue in cheek suggestion that erect cocks would be more suitable than regal crowns as an identifier for moderators didn't go down too well. (As did my observation that there were already about fifty perfectly good ways to identify moderators, and that's not counting the obligatory smug glow of slimy self-satisfaction).

Since being placed in the moderation queue I have refused to post to Fruit Forums, as the idea of every word I have to say being pre-screened is intolerable (something which I suspect Harvey knew full well, hence he has imposed a de facto ban without actually doing it properly, which is not only control freakery in action, it's cowardly too). Contained in the zip file are some of the discussions that have sprung forth from this action, and I'm pleased to see that with the exception of the "mutual back scratching society" (our brave moderators) there seems to be precious little support for Harvey's latest attempt to impose his will over others.

An interesting feature of the standard issue moderator (I always think of them as Peons from the classic RTS game Warcraft II, (poor little bastards who had to do all the donkey work but because they were often at the front line might have thought they were actually significant)) is that they are not actually individuals at all. The drop-down menu at the side of each forum on Fruit Forums tells visitors who the moderators for that particular forum are. However, the list of names should, in the interests of honesty and accuracy, be replaced by "Faceless moderator Borg collective". For when any significant decision is taken all the lemming moderators dutifully follow behind the King Moderator to applaud the latest maniacal nonsense. 

This curious phenomenon can be witnessed on the "Abuse of power" thread (contained in the zip file), where the stomach churning sight of a number of moderators validating each other over several successive posts can be seen.

I'll go into the gory details in a moment, but here, in essence, is how moderation works the world over, (I'm sure there must be a top secret template that's handed to people when they become a moderator on any forum).

King Moderator (full stiffy mode) - "And henceforth let it be known that I'm feeling a bit cranky today and I've had an argument with my wife and she refused to get some beers in for me so I'm going to throw my weight around on the forums to make myself feel better. I hereby declare that Stupid Action X against Person Y is required, and that it will take effect immediately".

Borg 1 - "I have been most concerned about the actions of Person Y recently and feel that Stupid Action X is a wise and noble decision that will benefit all, greatest thanks on high to you oh King Moderator, and may I say, that's a fine stiffy you're sporting today".

Forums Member 1 - "I'm not sure this is such a good idea, Person Y is well known for his/her combative style, and this Soviet response will surely diminish the forums experience for those of us not a King Moderator or Borg Drone".

Borg 2 - "I am going to ignore your point Forums Member 1 and merely toe the party line as would be expected of a Borg Drone, King Moderator is always correct and his actions are invariably perfect. Now do please excuse me, I have a thread to move, it's a very important task".

Borg 3 - "Borg 1 and Borg 2 please be comforted in the knowledge that I, Borg 3, share your pain and am equally confident in the power of the King Moderator to make all well again and even bring rain to the desert from his stiffy of plenty, if he's having a good day".

Forums Members 2 through 500 - "Fuck this, I'm out of here".

Borg 4 - "Oohhh well hark at Forums Members 2 through 500, if you don't like it you don't have post here you know. In fact, it would be much better if there were no proper members at all and just us Borgs, then we'd all agree all of the time".

Now, here's how it works in practice

All the moderators take a few moments to find their feet and line themselves up to spout the standard responses;
- Echo imparts the terrible and heart breaking news that he is "very offended" (I honestly can't remember ever being "very offended" about anything anyone ever said about me on the internet, and the day it happens is the day I swing from the rafters);
- Kev tries to worm out of the fact that he was responsible for setting up a script on IRC that called a long-standing younger member of the forums an "arse raper with a one inch dick" every time his name was entered (it was just a joke you see), and makes it clear that what I did was totally different, although how exactly isn't made clear (but I'll do that for him in a moment);
- DialTone (who seems to be far better at emulator coding than he is at moderating) agrees with Echo whole-heartedly, and rolls out that long trusted mainstay of the feeble moderator, "Well if people don't like it no one's making them come here". (Can you imagine if, for example, a restaurant owner operated on that principle? "Well if they don't like it they can all piss off, oops, I'm bankrupt". True enough, the forums are free, but that doesn't mean that them being horrible should be universally accepted without question).

(As an aside - I'd like to think that the difference between my erect cock picture for moderators suggestion and Kev's "arse raper with a one inch dick" IRC script is self evident, but obviously not. So for the slow people at the back, I was equating the desire to be a moderator with supposed virility and power hence an erect cock would be more appropriate than a crown (and drawing attention to the significance of the fact that a crown was chosen in the first place as opposed to, for example, the simple word "moderator" under the person's name), I believe it's known as satirical comment. Juxtapose that with "arse raper with a one inch dick" (puerile juvenile dribble), and I'd hope that it was all fairly apparent......).

Anyway, by the time the "Abuse of power" thread reaches its conclusion the moderators have all managed to convince each other that what's really needed on Fruit Forums is much stricter moderation (handy for them then), because that'll sort everything out. It's the kind of mass-delusion that's usually reserved for grotesque cults, although in a way, moderation is just that......

(The same thing was also seen over at VP Forums recently, where a small group of moderators incessantly cross-justified increasingly bizarre decisions and confidently reassured each other that every action they were taking made perfect sense (whilst banning anyone who dared to suggest otherwise), as they did so normal members were leaving by the nearest exit in frightening numbers. One can only assume from the ever diminishing pool of "proper" posters at Fruit Forums that the same process is already well underway there).

Ultimately, the kinds of people who want to be moderators are the people who are least suited to the position. 99% of moderation is tedious Peon work that no one else wants to do, and most people can find something better to be doing with their lives than moving threads to the correct location, closing threads when asked to do so, and occasionally editing a poll. Given that 99% of what a moderator does is unpaid labour of the most menial order, it stands to reason that the 1% that's left must be something pretty special for them. To those of us possessed of a sound mind, issuing warnings on obscure internet forums about multiple posts, deducting points from unruly teenagers and, most trouser quiveringly of all, closing a thread in anger, must seem like a fairly feeble option in the personal satisfaction stakes, but obviously some people get off on it.

Ask any moderator why they do it and they'll tell you it's the selfless commitment to a greater good, that the forums need people like them and that we should all be terribly grateful to them for being there to protect our interests. The reality of course is that we don't need moderators at all, and particularly so at somewhere like Fruit Forums. All that's required is one unpaid serf to handle all the shit work, and a single "super moderator" who can step in should someone try to destroy the forums with floods of messages, in cases of unprovoked and persistent abuse and so on. Beyond that, there is no need at all for any form of moderation or control. That being the case, what is obviously not required are eight (count 'em!) individuals, all with their own agenda, all with their own opinions, all with their own standards and all with their own methods of implementing them.

Moderators know that what they do is tedious, menial, thankless, worthless and, most crushingly of all, wholly unnecessary. (Hence the creation of entirely artificial and meaningless tasks such as point awarding, point deduction, avatar giveaways, issuing yellow and red cards and so on). Faced with the realisation of their own futility, it's quite understandable that the desire to elevate themselves to something beyond the status of a trained chimp is strong. Unfortunately, everyone else gets caught up in this rather sad process of self-aggrandisement, and a set of forums about fruit machine emulation which could pretty much run themselves (were it not for the non-stop addition of pointless database crippling toys no one wants anyway) are transformed into an altogether more oppressive, unpleasant place to be.

I've lost track of the number of times I've been told "Wahhhhh well if you don't like it you don't have to post here you know" (usually by a moderator who's about fifty billion cells short of a decent brain), but had always stuck around to fight my case in the hope that maybe, just maybe, one day, common sense and good management might win the day over slow-witted, pig-ignorant, stubborn cretinism.

But I know when to admit defeat, the lunatics really have taken over the asylum, the morons have triumphed, decency has lost out to doltishness, it's time to go and do something else.

Moderators are like shit, with the best will in the world, you're never going to be that far away from one.

26th August 2002.