Rant & Rave Parte The Fourth
The end of the affair

It's quiz time. Who said this?

The development of fruit machines in the UK has followed a different path than elsewhere in the world. Historically, jackpots available on fruit machines in pubs and arcades in the UK have been small, a result of strict gambling laws. In 1990 the maximum jackpot was £2.40 cash, £4.80 tokens. Even today, the jackpot is just £15 for pub and arcade machines. Unable to woo punters with the promise of huge cash prizes, fruit machine designers have had to think of more imaginative ways to entice potential players to part with their cash. This has led to the inclusion of high/low gambles, nudges, holds, bonus numbers, long and involved features and feature trails, sub-games, skill challenges, repeat chances on features and wins, barcodes and little "cheats", to name just a few. In short, machines have to be entertaining as well as offering the opportunity to win a few quid.

I'll give you a clue, it was me, last July, in a piece titled "Background information". This was, in fact, one of the very first articles to appear on this site. It wasn't a fantastic piece, but it did its job, it was trying to set the scene for the newest and most exciting branch of emulation to land on unsuspecting peoples PCs - fruit machine emulation.

It also told a big, fat, terrible lie. I didn't tell the lie with malice aforethought, in fact, at the time it wasn't quite a lie at all. But in just under a year a seemingly innocuous comment has transformed into quite the biggest whopper of recent times, in comparison, the Enron Chief Executive insisting that "Those numbers are perfectly correct" hardly registers on the lieometer.

Can you tell what it is yet?

"In short, machines have to be entertaining as well as offering the opportunity to win a few quid."

Look, I'm sorry, OK? I didn't know that fruit machine manufacturers, guided by unscrupulous, greedy operators and given carte blanche to do as they wished by a toothless, spineless, worthless regulator and a cash-crazed government that thinks anything's OK as long as it brings in the taxes, would work so tirelessly towards removing every last trace of entertainment and amusement from their Amusement With Prizes machines.

Who could have predicted it? Who would have thought that manufacturers would have been so timidly complicit in plotting their own downfall? Who would have thought they'd try anything and everything to alienate their players? Who would have thought they'd decide that all they needed or wanted was the hardcore of helpless addicts? I mean, that is what they've been working towards isn't it? Because you'd have to be really stupid to do what they've done and believe you'd actually get away with it.

I have decided never to play real fruit machines again, for me, it's emulation all the way from this point forward. And if you've got any sense, you'll join me, and keep the pound coins in your pocket. Because fruit machine operators hate you, fruit machine manufacturers hate you, the regulator doesn't care about you, and the government doesn't give a damn what happens to you as long as they can steal your cash.

I'm here to tell you that there's no "A" left in "AWP", and precious little "P" for that matter either. I'm here to tell you not to play fruit machines, and to stick to emulation. And what's more, I can make it blindingly, chillingly obvious that if you don't listen to me, you're an idiot who deserves everything they don't get.

As such, I present to you the "Acceptance of the blindingly obvious programme" - the blindingly obvious being that modern fruit machines are utter, utter shit which aren't deserving of one more single pound of your money.

1) Fruit machines aren't fun to play anymore.

Modern fruit machines are demonstrably awful games. Gone are the days of genuine skill features, to be replaced by pseudo-skill (i.e. random). Note how rarely you see the word "skill" on fruit machines these days, that's because when something says skill it has to be skill - and skill is a bad thing, because it allows "player advantage". Player advantage, in simple English, means that the more you play a machine the more you learn its behaviour, you formulate a playing strategy, and increase your chances of winning. That is now considered unacceptable, so it's been almost entirely chipped out.

What this leaves us with is even the most ostensibly hi-tech machine being little more than a basic lo-tech with a few more buttons to press. It doesn't matter how well you know the machine, how well you know the features, or how skilful you are, you're just shovelling in pound after pound in the vain hope that the machine will decide to spit a few quid at you. That, quite clearly, isn't fun. It's simply frustrating and hateful, and very expensive.

With sub-80% payouts being the norm, it doesn't take a genius to work out who's going to win in the long run, especially when you consider the fact that.....

2) Fruit machines can take far too much money without paying (is what they do even legal?).

How much money do you think you'd need to take on a £25 jackpot machine? £25? Nah, more than that, it's got to take its percentage remember. £35 then? Nope, more than that, it's got to save up for a streak. So how about £50 then? More? It couldn't be more than £75, could it?

Well try this, £100 without even getting through the £5 block, that's what practically all rechipped £25 jackpot JPM machines can do to you. Regulars at MPU and JPM Forums will know of the ongoing debate about this, and the horror stories keep on flooding in. Seasoned players possessed of vast experience and skill talk of numerous £100+ loss encounters with previously reliable machines. Arcade workers talk of seeing new £25 jackpot machines taking over £200 and not streaking. Most recently there have been truly horrendous tales of new linked-play £25 lo-tech machines taking £900 (yes that it nine hundred pounds) to go on a £100 streak.

Yours truly, based on the dear old Isle Of Man, where we've still got the £15 jackpot, still bears the scars of an encounter with a full "Hot Shots", which took a straight £85, never offered more than £10 and was still on the take when I walked away. Forgive me making such a simple statement, but that has got to be plain wrong.

In short, if you play fruit machines seriously, i.e. you're prepared to stake large chunks of cash in an effort to make a profit, then don't. The hunger of the new breed of fruities is such that even the most skilful player can be left as the weeping victim time and time again. But don't just take my word for it, take a look at what the top-class players are saying on the forums.

3) They cost too much to play even if you're only after some entertainment.

Even if you're not a big player, you won't want to be playing "just for a bit of fun", because there isn't any to be had. £10 at a time without a single feature or win is commonplace, and many machines are capable of taking more than that. I've personally seen £15 jackpot machines take up to £18 without offering so much as one single pound, £25 jackpot machines have been reported as being capable of taking not far short of £30 and doing the same. Still think the change from the round might buy you some entertainment?

Modern fruities are, in a word, evil. The only safe numbers are 1 and 12, features are often over in a couple of moves and let's not even get started on hi/lo based features.... If you approach a £15/£25 jackpot machine with £10 in change, don't expect to get so much as a £1 win, if you do get a win or feature, don't expect it to offer more than £2 or £3 before killing you off.

Also remember that many modern machines have a "block", often set at £5. This means that for the vast majority of the time you'll never be able to win more than £5 from a feature, until the machine has taken enough to unblock the higher wins. As well as being a tacit acceptance of the £25 jackpot being far too large (hence the lazy coding of the block), this also makes machines unquestionably annoying and unrewarding to play.

Now then, against those sorts of odds, you'd have to ask yourself, why bother at all? Buy another drink instead, you know it makes sense.

4) Things really were better in the old days.

And of course, now we can prove it.

Firstly, let's establish that it is a simple statement of fact that almost any new £25 jackpot machine can take over £100 and not pay a jackpot. (And this is a "full" machine, i.e. a machine that hasn't just paid out anything substantial). Indeed, some £25 jackpot machines can take £100 and not offer more than a fiver. It is also a fact that practically any £25 jackpot machine can take over £200 and not streak (latest chip JPMs are already well known for £200+ kickings).

Bearing that in mind, load any AWP MPU4 machine into MPU3/4, any at all, just pick one at random. You might want to start with the £6 jackpot machines, have a look at the £8 machines, and then move up to the £10 and £15 machines. Whichever machine you play, and whatever mood it's in when you load it I guarantee there's no way you'll be able to lose £100 before being given, at the very worst, an "escape point" - this is the point at which the machine finally drops a couple of jackpots and gives you a sensible place to leave.

In addition to not losing as much, you'll be getting more wins and more features, more entertainment, and a fuller playing experience. You also might want to revel in the luxury of a variety of genuinely skilful features whilst you're at it.

Technically, fruit machines are no more accomplished now than they were seven or eight years ago. The sound and music isn't any better, the basic game structure remains unchanged, and older machines were more involved, more entertaining and more skilful than their modern counterparts. So what exactly is it that makes modern fruit machines worth 30p per play? What's so good about the features that it's worth £10 just to get one? I'll tell you - absolutely nothing at all.

Just pause on that thought for a moment - and cross reference it to the games you've played in MPU3/4. Is there anything about new 30p/£25 machines that's inherently better or more worthwhile than their old 10p/20p - £4/£6 cousins? Or are they, in fact, a hell of a lot more expensive to play whilst offering a hell of a lot less player satisfaction and entertainment?......

5) So that's it then, it's time to give up?

Yes, it is. In addition to all the reasons detailed above, you've probably got your experiences to add to the mix, or you've heard stories from others, or you've followed the chat on MPU and JPM Forums. You already know it's true, it's simply a question of accepting it once and for all.

Depending on how long you've been playing fruities, you might remember the mid to late 80s, when £5 would buy you an afternoon's entertainment on 2p/5p/10p play machines. As the 90s dawned and 20p play machines emerged a bad run might cost £15 or £20, although you'd certainly get a decent amount of play for that sort of investment. For many the "golden age" of fruities came with the £6 jackpot, fresh, skilful, challenging machines were the norm - and whilst losses could be high, player awareness and ability counted for a lot. As jackpots increased to £8 and £10 throughout the 90s, machines became increasingly brutal, price of play increased to 25p play - but even then, a decent amount of knowledge and a stake of £40 or £50 would almost always see you right.

The beginning of the end was certainly the adoption of the £15 jackpot, 25p/30p play was now standard, percentages were almost universally low, and manufacturers began the frenzy of rechipping which continues to this day. Seasoned and casual players alike were both baffled and brutalised by maniac machines with an insatiable hunger; the limp-wristed regulator stood idly by and the government turned the other cheek, as machines that could take £100 and more without streaking or paying a single jackpot emerged.

The £25 jackpot is the logical conclusion of a process that started years ago, all pretence of amusement has vanished, rechips are issued with the sole intention of scamming the players, operators demand tighter and tighter machines, the manufacturers deliver - and it's high time for us players to wake up and smell the coffee. We are being exploited, ripped off, and taken for granted - it's time to get out.

Fruit machines have nothing to offer anyone. Serious players can't continue to take the risk of playing machines that will take £200 and not produce any sort of worthwhile streak. Casual players can't be bothered to play machines that will take £10 off them and not offer a single win or feature. The keen amateurs who fall between the two stools get the worst of both worlds, high losses and zero entertainment. The hardcore of addicts who are being milked harder than ever before need to take positive action for their own well-being, and call Gamblers Anonymous.

You have to ask yourself why you play fruit machines, because whatever the answer, playing real machines simply doesn't make sense. If you're playing to win, you won't. If you're playing to be entertained, you won't be.

If you want a glimpse into the future of fruit machines, imagine the operators, manufacturers and regulators wearing their biggest pairs of boots, capped with your pound coins - and now imagine those boots smashing down into your bewildered face. Again and again. Forever.

4th July 2002.

With thanks to those on MPU/JPM Forums who have contributed to this debate. Including, but not limited to, Munsta, VonBlade, Echo, FMW, Andy Tutton, Wibblishly, Fishsta, Oldskooler, serene02, Tony92, G-Man, Retrofruit, Kwyjibo, dicky wink, BarXQueen, Kev, Gary, dangerous Dave, Frank_Chickens, hilolottery and others.