CALAMARI CLUB - "It's a multi-limbed cephalopod sort of a machine. With flashing lights."

Hmmm, if ever there was a machine that typifies the lazy manner in which Barcrest take a thoroughly average pub machine and turn it, with minimal effort, into an equally average club machine, this is it. Known as "Squids In" (cracking pun) in its pub incarnation, Calamari Club (Barcrest's web site helpfully points out that a calamari is a squid) is probably best described as "workmanlike".

What is workmanlike really supposed to mean anyway? "This machine has a fat arse, drinks lots of tea, reads The Sun and occasionally picks up a spade and taps the ground with it, somewhat half-heartedly". 

Squids In is one of the many "four trail fill" machines that Barcrest have produced. I think that the first was "Jewel In the Crown", this was then cloned or semi-cloned as Lucky Strike, Jolly Gems, Silver Screen and Squids In. The principle behind them all is fairly simple; there's a trail leading to the cash ladder, bonus at four, and entry to cash ladder at nine. Successful gambles on the cash ladder offer feature exchanges, the higher the cash value exchanged, the more favourable the starting position on the feature. 

Calamari Club adheres fairly closely to this formula. The cash ladder entry trail has been extended to ten spaces (thanks for that). The bonus at four offers up the usual selection, you know the form by now, boost, stoppa, skill stop and so on. Once on the cash ladder you have to "turbo-gamble", as opposed to the more common hi/lo gamble, to make progress. A light flashes between the value immediately above you and a value below you (can be anything from one to ten values below). You just hit the start button and hope to win. If you win you can carry on gambling or, if an exchange is available, exchange to the feature. You are given a number of "loses" that you can survive, so unless you've dropped below 40p (a non-survivable lose) you can attempt to gamble back up the trail. After about five lost gambles the value that you're on is automatically collected. 

The feature itself is a wraparound trail with the standard assortment of squares to land on (although the mystery isn't as nasty as some). There are four trails to add to; features, cash, knockouts and nudges. Should you fill any trail (happens as regularly as Catholic & Protestant "anything goes except sectarian murder" group orgies) you are awarded the £250 jackpot. The more observant amongst you will have noticed that what's on offer via the trails isn't particularly exciting; "Why", (you might indignantly exclaim), "That's pretty much what you'd expect to find on a pub machine, hrumph". And you'd be right, for the vast majority of the time Calamari Club plays like a pub machine, there will sometimes be high values offered from nudges or knockouts (but never more than £40.....), but even then, its pub counterpart Squids In will streak for around the same amount (£45 or £60) if it's in that special kind of mood.

In fact, by the far the easiest way (and for all practical purposes, pretty much the only way) to get the jackpot is to simply turbo-gamble it out on the cash ladder. The reason for this is that, like many club fruities, Calamari Club has a "block" that it will not let you get through unless it's prepared to pay a jackpot. In this case, the block is £40 (notice how feature exchanges aren't offered past £40, how none of the trails have any award that is worth more than £40, and how it only takes three subsequent gambles to reach the jackpot?). Unless the machine is ready to pay the full £250 it will not let you get beyond £40, be it through the feature or on the cash ladder. This is why none of the awards on any of the trails will ever pay more than £40 (ever seen knockouts or nudges offer more than £40?). What you'll often find happening should you manage to get the trails close to the jackpot (easy off a high exchange) is a Collect Prize being given. This allows the machine to level off its %age a bit and carry on with business as usual.

If you're going for the jackpot simply gamble all out on the cash ladder. You can tell when a jackpot is starting to get close as you'll regularly be able to get up to the £25+ mark, bonuses like Skill Stop and Stoppa will award these sorts of amounts when a jackpot is looming. Just keep on turbo-gambling, eventually you'll break through the £40 block to £100 - at this point it's all over. You'll either get the jackpot on that climb or, should you lose, a high gamble will be offered again very soon and you'll get the jackpot. Remember, once you've got through the £40 block the machine is prepared to pay the £250 and it will be given soon.

The jackpot is sometimes given from the feature, but the risk here is that you can (and will) be given Collect Prizes. A £20 Collect Prize will set the machine back by £20 (plus the %age profit it has to make), you'll then have to put that amount of money back in to return the machine to where it was before the Collect Prize was given. Of course, you can cheat if you're playing the machine the machine in MPU3/4, if you're given a Collect Prize just "open and close the door" (using the door button), this will prevent any win being added to the bank and you can carry on from where you were up to.

For all intents and purposes Calamari Club is £15 pub machine that's got a big fat jackpot tacked onto the end of the cash trail (and it's hardly unique in that respect). The upside of this is that you get the relatively high fun factor of a pub machine, the downside is that you have to put up with knowing full well that no amount of skilful play will ever get you the jackpot until the machine is damn well good and ready to give it to you.

Sound and music are both good (pinched straight from Squids In, as is the overall theme and artwork), and as a whole it's an entertaining enough machine to play, although the limitations of the feature soon become apparent.

Then again, we're all playing it for free, so it doesn't really matter, does it?

9th August 2001